you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
