OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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