I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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