Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Your cock deserves a montage
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
