so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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