Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
