My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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