yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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