Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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