I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
