we have officially lost it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
