saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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