does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
