I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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