remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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