I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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