I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
