I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
