Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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