Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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