i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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