Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
