The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
please come you make the beer taste better
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
