nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize