you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
