you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
