Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize