there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
