Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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