I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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