I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
