I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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