she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Congratulations! We have a period
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