Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize