I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
