After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
