i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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