I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
