she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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