Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
