From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I will be naked everywhere
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
