I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i was born a porn star she said
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
