don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
