You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
