her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
