of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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