Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Houston, we have a blender
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
