the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize