Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
