i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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