Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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