Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
