Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
