I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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