I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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