O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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