I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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