Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
