Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
