I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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