Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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