she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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