she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
